All Your Summer Songs (T-T-Totally Dude!)

Now that Memorial Day has passed, it's time to officially enjoy summer. Which also mean we have to find that one song that we kinda like, then love, then hate because it's on the radio 16 times a day. In other words, it's time for this year's summer songs. There possibly can't be more Akon songs or repeated "Buy U A Drank" spins on the radio for the coming months. It's not possible, right? There has to be other songs that'll step up? Well, let's look at the potentials.

“Party Like A Rockstar"
Shop Boyz
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It took a while, but black people finally get back at whitey for Dynamite Hack’s smug “Boyz In Da Hood” cover. This is an awesomely stupid song where half of the four-minute song is devoted to the phrase, “party like a rock star,” repeated 36 times (Ed: I actually counted). In other words, sheer genius. And I don’t know if rock stars actually hang out with Marilyn Manson, Travis Barker and Jack Osborne, but maybe that’s the punchline.
Summer Song Chances: Off the charts. We’re potentially looking at the next “Who Let the Dogs Out.” I fully expect to hear this at every ballpark, TV promo and awkward campaign appearances by '08 Presidential candidates.

“Beautiful Girls"
Sean Kingston
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This is an ingenious formula, taking "Stand By Me," and making it sound like T-Pain singing with cottonball in his moth. Yes, the idea sounds terrible, but kids today can listen to a classic without actually listening to an oldie. It's "Stand By Me" for their generation. The song samples huge chunks of "Stand By Me," so while it's easy to loathe the idea, or 17-year-old Kingston for thinking of it, it's hard to actually detest it. Hey, I'm more envious that I didn't think of this first.
Summer Song Chances: Insanely high. This is probably the make-out song of the summer, despite it's rather dour lyrics ("suicidal" is the hook) Teen abstinence groups, don't say I didn't warn you.

“Makes Me Wonder”
Maroon 5
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I found this song annoying. Not because I didn't like, but because I did. I fucking hate Maroon 5, and they end up releasing the best Justin Timberlake song not by JT. It's like when Bryan Adams released "Summer of '69," it was a Springsteen rip-off by a terrible singer, but it was a damn good rip-off. Not that I'm comparing JT to Springsteen, but I am comparing Maroon 5 to Bryan Adams.
Summer Song Chances: Still strong. This would've been the summer song if it came out a month later. But, it did ride the same white neo-soul wave as Blake Lewis . And it'll still be all over the airwaves.

“Umbrella”
Rihanna
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There’s nothing like a song about umbrellas to get ready for summer. I actually liked this song quite a bit when it first leaked a couple of months ago with it's catchy “ella-ella ella” chorus. But this song wore on me fast, it's kinda boring. And Jay-Z’s officially a nuisance as a guest rapper.
Summer Song Chances: Pretty good. This song has gotten a ton of radio airplay recently and it's catchy enough, but I don't know how long it'll stand up. But the potential second single off Rihanna's new album, "Shut Up and Drive," is meant for summer.

“Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song)”
Enrique Iglesias
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Has it really been nine years since Cher released “Believe?” Well, it’s about time the gays have a new song to dance too. This is a generic but highly catchy dance-pop song that really lays on the Euro-synth thick. And if you are wondering if I or anyone know what a “ping pong song” is, there’s actually a bouncing ping pong ball in the percussion track. Does it have anything to do with the song? No. Is it completely superflous? Of course. Do I know the ping pong song? I don’t think I ever will.
Summer Song Chances: Decent. It’s awfully catchy, but the song’s well, a little too fabulous(!) to really go mainstream.

“I Tried”
Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony
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Bone-Thugs, he same group who actually made odd songs like "Crossroads" and "First of Da Month" a pop hit. And what is their big comeback move? A freakin' Akon performance. It's like how every network is makiing superhero TV shows because Heroes is huge so now we get a new $6 Million Man next year, which is a terrible idea. And whatever distinctive rhymes or lyrical skills Bone-Thugs have are scrubbed out by a schmaltzy production that serves, well Akon, a lot better. They're guests on their own comeback single.
Summer Song Chances: Fairly decent. It's gooey sentimentality will make this the one rap song safe enough for everyone.

"Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)"
Fergie
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To me, this is easily the least annoying of Fergie's single, because Fergie doesn't have to rap, or describe herself with adjectives she made up using her name. This is Kelly Clarkson-lite, a girl empowerment song with awkward singing we expect from Fergie. Except this song is still better than "Never Again."
Summer Song Chances: OK. Teenage girls will love it, and that's really the only thing that matters here.

“Lip Gloss”
Lil Mama
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Damn, this 17-year-old girl is fierce. And the beats are as skeletal and heavy as anything Pharrell did for the Clipse. Except the song is about Mac and L'Oreal. Lip gloss goes for what, $7 at malls? So, if the Clipse rapped about Axe Body Spray instead of crack cocaine, their video would be all over BET too?
Summer Song Chances: OK. This song is club-friendly because the minimal beats makes it an easy song to re-mix (and there are a lot floating around). But I can't see dudes driving down the street blasting "my lip gloss is cool / my lip gloss be poppin'" without shame.

“Big Shit Poppin’ (Do It)"
T.I.
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I dropped this song while people were dancing at my birthday party back in April and no one liked it. I've heard it numerous times at clubs, but it didn't generate beyond indifference. It's more an attempt at "Lose Yourself" and it's not that bad. It kinda grew on me after a while. The "doin' it / doin' it doin it" line is certainly catchy enough. But the lolli-gagging guitar riff is a little too mellow. They've punched it up a little since it leaked with some drum placements here and there, but it still a tad underwhelming.
Summer Song Chances: A little. Again, it hasn't gotten a whole lot of responsest, and radio's been slow to pick it up too, considering the single's been out for over a month. Still, the song grows on you and it is the most anthemic rap song out right now.