Yet Another American Idol Diary (Wednesday)

I've never actually watched an Idols finale before. Can I muster enough stamina to watch the whole thing? Do I dare try? Look what I go through for you, my dear readers.

- Crap, I missed the red carpet special. Actually, phew, I missed the red carpet special.
- In Jordin’s corner, Jeff Foxworthy! On Blake's side, the 5th graders.
- Simon’s shirt is one button lower than yesterday. Ew.
- The Beatles finally allow their song to be performed on AI, so we get to hear Blake’s interpretation of “I Saw Her Standing There.” Blake awkwardly sings “Well she was just 17 / You know what I mean…” That cues Jordin to come out and make it a duet. Was this intentional? If so, eww.
- Right after the Beatles, we immediately cut to Gwen Stefani singing “4 In Da Morning” via satellite. Cuz nothing follows up the Beatles like that awful fourth-rate crap-ola of a song, via satellite.
- You know how you can tell Kelly Clarkson’s trying to be a serious artist? She and her band are dressed entirely in black. I still love Kelly. Still not crazy about this song
- Cut to Clive Davis for his reaction to "Never Again," a polite applause. They’re hoping for the split-screen effect a la The View and the fight between Rosie and Elizabeth.
- Then they cut to Jerry Springer?? Maybe foreshadowing a future bitch-slap fight between them?
- AI doesn't even try to fake dignifying the terrible singers during the audition, cuz the Golden Idols drag them all back for more degradation.
- If Ryan had any ounce of heterosexuality left in his body, it’s gone after that Big Bird woman kissed him.
- The top 6 male finalists are dressed all in white to sing “Ooh Baby,” and don't sound good at all. Smokey Robinson walks out to sing. It’s actually nice to see him enjoying himself.
- Smokey and the guys sing “Tears of A Clown” and they all sound pretty good. Even Sanjaya’s OK.
- Great American Band will either be awesome or it’ll crown the world’s greatest wedding band.
- Here’s the AI moment I’ve waited all week for, Blake beat-boxing with Doug E. Fresh, backed by Grandmaster Flash on the turntables. We actually hear "The Show" on AI! And Blake actually nails all the sound effects. It’s cool that Blake pays tribute to the first commercial beat-boxer in hip-hop. And Doug finds it fitting enough to bless Blake. This totally lived up to my expectations. Fresh was awesome and Blake loved being on stage with him. I don’t think anyone in the audience had any idea who Fresh or Flash was.
- The final 6 girls sing “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” Gladys Knight comes out to sing “I Feel A Song (In My Heart)” and she sounds great. Melinda and LaKisha are positively beaming at the chance to sing with Gladys. Why are they not in the final two?! (OK, breathe)
- “We are back to the biggest show in the world,” chimes Ryan. You hear that terrorists?! “THE WORLD!” “AMERICAN IDOL!!”
- Tony Bennett makes peace with Idol and sings. He trades in a couple of years to hit those last few notes and the audience eats it up. Smokey gives him a “we’re still alive” fist-pump.
- They compiled Antonella and Amanda bitchiest moments. I’m so glad Antonella's destined for a career in softcore.
- Of course Jonathan and Kenneth win this award. And Jonathan does look like a bush baby. But it won him a Golden Idol!
- Melinda sings with BeBe and CeCe Winan, whom she used to sing back-up for, to bring some religion to this otherwise Godless affair. I guess it’s good that this follows the bush baby.
- Ryan, in his Oprah moment, each gives Jordin and Blake a Ford Mustangs.
- Carrie Underwood sings the Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You,” which is now a huge hit after "Idols Give Back." I like the new version and the performance is pleasant, but as Randy would say, it's “a little pitchy.”
- Uh oh, Clive is out and looking cranky. He calls out last year’s finalists, Taylor Hicks and Katherine McPhee, for letting Daughtry outsell them, essentially telling everyone that the results show is a waste of two hours. He then praises the songwriters who wrote for AI alums. You hear that Kelly? Clive know who makes hit records, not you. I’m Clive Davis, bitch.
- Carrie Underwood receives a plaque for 6 million album sales. Clive approves. Jeff Foxworthy and Jerry Springer approve. Now I see why the recording industry is in a slump.
- An "Idols Give Back" reprise with the African Children’s Choir. Clive claps, wonders if they can outsell Taylor Hicks. Hopefully, Josh Groban isn't watching, lest he has painful flashbacks of being overshadowed by the Choir on "Idols Give Back."

- They just compared Sanjaya to the following in a montage: John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi.
- Sanjaya performs with Joe Perry on the Kink’s “You Really Got Me.” Sanjaya, Joe Perry, the crying girl, Big Bird woman, this has officially slipped into surrealism.
- Do we really need Sanjaya on a reality show, Fremantle? Really?
- Here’s the rumored Green Day performance. They do a terribly dour version of “Working Class Hero” for African charities, complete with messages and sad pictures in the background. It’s very Nickelback.

- Hey, Taylor can play harmonica too. Take that, Daughtry!

- Don’t forget about Ruben Studdard too! He duets with Jordin on “You’re All I Need to Get By.” They have no awareness of each other's existence. They don’t even look at each other.

- Brad Garrett in a shamelessly awkward Fox plug, sits in with the judges as Bette Midler walk out. Gah! “Wind Beneath My Wing!” It hasn’t been long enough.
- Paula’s not even faking sobriety. In an era of Lindsay Lohan's waffling, that’s kind of refreshing.

- Aw, Jerry Springer is moved to tears. Most touching Idols ever.

- For next fall, FOX just tossed out a bunch of generic location names and built shows around them.

- Dear God. Idols past and present are going to do a version of every song on Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band.

- Kelly sings "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" with Joe Perry and this is the smartest song choice of the night. Kelly is predictably awesome.

- Taylor sings "A Day In the Life." This is predictably, hilariously hideous.

- Carrie sings "She's Leaving Home." She's still "pitchy." And Tony Romo is one lucky man. Damn, she's skirting FCC regulations.

- Ruben sings "Lucy In the Sky With Diamond?!" I really need an LSD hit right now.

- The rest of this season's losers pop up for a Sgt. Peppers medley. I never thought it was possible, but this comes pretty close to equaling the Bee Gees "Sgt. Peppers" movie for train wreck potential.

- Extended "Transformers" commercial. Do I dare get excited for a Michael Bay movie?

- How many families must bad cell phone reception tear apart before we learn our lesson?! OK, I'll stop commenting on commercials. This show's officially gone long.

- Finally, result time. Some guy in a suit hands Ryan the envelope, just so you know its more legit than the NBA lottery.

- Randy calls it for Jordin. Paula refuses to be interrupted in her "both are winners" speech. Simon calls it for Jordin.

- Ooh, the lights are dimmed. And the winner is... Jordin Sparks!

- Jordin's hyperventilating. Ryan reminds us that AI is coming back in January. Great...

- Jordin tries to sing through her tears. She doesn't sound good, but it is touching. Her mom is also crying. Paula's crying. She's coming down. There's pyrotechnics, confetti and a group hug. And cut. Say hello to Radio Disney, Jordin.

- Alright, time to watch the end of Lost. Until next year, peace.