All Your Summer Songs (T-T-Totally Dude!)

Now that Memorial Day has passed, it's time to officially enjoy summer. Which also mean we have to find that one song that we kinda like, then love, then hate because it's on the radio 16 times a day. In other words, it's time for this year's summer songs. There possibly can't be more Akon songs or repeated "Buy U A Drank" spins on the radio for the coming months. It's not possible, right? There has to be other songs that'll step up? Well, let's look at the potentials.

“Party Like A Rockstar"
Shop Boyz
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It took a while, but black people finally get back at whitey for Dynamite Hack’s smug “Boyz In Da Hood” cover. This is an awesomely stupid song where half of the four-minute song is devoted to the phrase, “party like a rock star,” repeated 36 times (Ed: I actually counted). In other words, sheer genius. And I don’t know if rock stars actually hang out with Marilyn Manson, Travis Barker and Jack Osborne, but maybe that’s the punchline.
Summer Song Chances: Off the charts. We’re potentially looking at the next “Who Let the Dogs Out.” I fully expect to hear this at every ballpark, TV promo and awkward campaign appearances by '08 Presidential candidates.

“Beautiful Girls"
Sean Kingston
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This is an ingenious formula, taking "Stand By Me," and making it sound like T-Pain singing with cottonball in his moth. Yes, the idea sounds terrible, but kids today can listen to a classic without actually listening to an oldie. It's "Stand By Me" for their generation. The song samples huge chunks of "Stand By Me," so while it's easy to loathe the idea, or 17-year-old Kingston for thinking of it, it's hard to actually detest it. Hey, I'm more envious that I didn't think of this first.
Summer Song Chances: Insanely high. This is probably the make-out song of the summer, despite it's rather dour lyrics ("suicidal" is the hook) Teen abstinence groups, don't say I didn't warn you.

“Makes Me Wonder”
Maroon 5
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I found this song annoying. Not because I didn't like, but because I did. I fucking hate Maroon 5, and they end up releasing the best Justin Timberlake song not by JT. It's like when Bryan Adams released "Summer of '69," it was a Springsteen rip-off by a terrible singer, but it was a damn good rip-off. Not that I'm comparing JT to Springsteen, but I am comparing Maroon 5 to Bryan Adams.
Summer Song Chances: Still strong. This would've been the summer song if it came out a month later. But, it did ride the same white neo-soul wave as Blake Lewis . And it'll still be all over the airwaves.

“Umbrella”
Rihanna
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There’s nothing like a song about umbrellas to get ready for summer. I actually liked this song quite a bit when it first leaked a couple of months ago with it's catchy “ella-ella ella” chorus. But this song wore on me fast, it's kinda boring. And Jay-Z’s officially a nuisance as a guest rapper.
Summer Song Chances: Pretty good. This song has gotten a ton of radio airplay recently and it's catchy enough, but I don't know how long it'll stand up. But the potential second single off Rihanna's new album, "Shut Up and Drive," is meant for summer.

“Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song)”
Enrique Iglesias
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Has it really been nine years since Cher released “Believe?” Well, it’s about time the gays have a new song to dance too. This is a generic but highly catchy dance-pop song that really lays on the Euro-synth thick. And if you are wondering if I or anyone know what a “ping pong song” is, there’s actually a bouncing ping pong ball in the percussion track. Does it have anything to do with the song? No. Is it completely superflous? Of course. Do I know the ping pong song? I don’t think I ever will.
Summer Song Chances: Decent. It’s awfully catchy, but the song’s well, a little too fabulous(!) to really go mainstream.

“I Tried”
Bone-Thugs-N-Harmony
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Bone-Thugs, he same group who actually made odd songs like "Crossroads" and "First of Da Month" a pop hit. And what is their big comeback move? A freakin' Akon performance. It's like how every network is makiing superhero TV shows because Heroes is huge so now we get a new $6 Million Man next year, which is a terrible idea. And whatever distinctive rhymes or lyrical skills Bone-Thugs have are scrubbed out by a schmaltzy production that serves, well Akon, a lot better. They're guests on their own comeback single.
Summer Song Chances: Fairly decent. It's gooey sentimentality will make this the one rap song safe enough for everyone.

"Big Girls Don't Cry (Personal)"
Fergie
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To me, this is easily the least annoying of Fergie's single, because Fergie doesn't have to rap, or describe herself with adjectives she made up using her name. This is Kelly Clarkson-lite, a girl empowerment song with awkward singing we expect from Fergie. Except this song is still better than "Never Again."
Summer Song Chances: OK. Teenage girls will love it, and that's really the only thing that matters here.

“Lip Gloss”
Lil Mama
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Damn, this 17-year-old girl is fierce. And the beats are as skeletal and heavy as anything Pharrell did for the Clipse. Except the song is about Mac and L'Oreal. Lip gloss goes for what, $7 at malls? So, if the Clipse rapped about Axe Body Spray instead of crack cocaine, their video would be all over BET too?
Summer Song Chances: OK. This song is club-friendly because the minimal beats makes it an easy song to re-mix (and there are a lot floating around). But I can't see dudes driving down the street blasting "my lip gloss is cool / my lip gloss be poppin'" without shame.

“Big Shit Poppin’ (Do It)"
T.I.
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I dropped this song while people were dancing at my birthday party back in April and no one liked it. I've heard it numerous times at clubs, but it didn't generate beyond indifference. It's more an attempt at "Lose Yourself" and it's not that bad. It kinda grew on me after a while. The "doin' it / doin' it doin it" line is certainly catchy enough. But the lolli-gagging guitar riff is a little too mellow. They've punched it up a little since it leaked with some drum placements here and there, but it still a tad underwhelming.
Summer Song Chances: A little. Again, it hasn't gotten a whole lot of responsest, and radio's been slow to pick it up too, considering the single's been out for over a month. Still, the song grows on you and it is the most anthemic rap song out right now.

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Yet Another American Idol Diary (Wednesday)

I've never actually watched an Idols finale before. Can I muster enough stamina to watch the whole thing? Do I dare try? Look what I go through for you, my dear readers.

- Crap, I missed the red carpet special. Actually, phew, I missed the red carpet special.
- In Jordin’s corner, Jeff Foxworthy! On Blake's side, the 5th graders.
- Simon’s shirt is one button lower than yesterday. Ew.
- The Beatles finally allow their song to be performed on AI, so we get to hear Blake’s interpretation of “I Saw Her Standing There.” Blake awkwardly sings “Well she was just 17 / You know what I mean…” That cues Jordin to come out and make it a duet. Was this intentional? If so, eww.
- Right after the Beatles, we immediately cut to Gwen Stefani singing “4 In Da Morning” via satellite. Cuz nothing follows up the Beatles like that awful fourth-rate crap-ola of a song, via satellite.
- You know how you can tell Kelly Clarkson’s trying to be a serious artist? She and her band are dressed entirely in black. I still love Kelly. Still not crazy about this song
- Cut to Clive Davis for his reaction to "Never Again," a polite applause. They’re hoping for the split-screen effect a la The View and the fight between Rosie and Elizabeth.
- Then they cut to Jerry Springer?? Maybe foreshadowing a future bitch-slap fight between them?
- AI doesn't even try to fake dignifying the terrible singers during the audition, cuz the Golden Idols drag them all back for more degradation.
- If Ryan had any ounce of heterosexuality left in his body, it’s gone after that Big Bird woman kissed him.
- The top 6 male finalists are dressed all in white to sing “Ooh Baby,” and don't sound good at all. Smokey Robinson walks out to sing. It’s actually nice to see him enjoying himself.
- Smokey and the guys sing “Tears of A Clown” and they all sound pretty good. Even Sanjaya’s OK.
- Great American Band will either be awesome or it’ll crown the world’s greatest wedding band.
- Here’s the AI moment I’ve waited all week for, Blake beat-boxing with Doug E. Fresh, backed by Grandmaster Flash on the turntables. We actually hear "The Show" on AI! And Blake actually nails all the sound effects. It’s cool that Blake pays tribute to the first commercial beat-boxer in hip-hop. And Doug finds it fitting enough to bless Blake. This totally lived up to my expectations. Fresh was awesome and Blake loved being on stage with him. I don’t think anyone in the audience had any idea who Fresh or Flash was.
- The final 6 girls sing “I Heard It Through the Grapevine.” Gladys Knight comes out to sing “I Feel A Song (In My Heart)” and she sounds great. Melinda and LaKisha are positively beaming at the chance to sing with Gladys. Why are they not in the final two?! (OK, breathe)
- “We are back to the biggest show in the world,” chimes Ryan. You hear that terrorists?! “THE WORLD!” “AMERICAN IDOL!!”
- Tony Bennett makes peace with Idol and sings. He trades in a couple of years to hit those last few notes and the audience eats it up. Smokey gives him a “we’re still alive” fist-pump.
- They compiled Antonella and Amanda bitchiest moments. I’m so glad Antonella's destined for a career in softcore.
- Of course Jonathan and Kenneth win this award. And Jonathan does look like a bush baby. But it won him a Golden Idol!
- Melinda sings with BeBe and CeCe Winan, whom she used to sing back-up for, to bring some religion to this otherwise Godless affair. I guess it’s good that this follows the bush baby.
- Ryan, in his Oprah moment, each gives Jordin and Blake a Ford Mustangs.
- Carrie Underwood sings the Pretenders’ “I’ll Stand By You,” which is now a huge hit after "Idols Give Back." I like the new version and the performance is pleasant, but as Randy would say, it's “a little pitchy.”
- Uh oh, Clive is out and looking cranky. He calls out last year’s finalists, Taylor Hicks and Katherine McPhee, for letting Daughtry outsell them, essentially telling everyone that the results show is a waste of two hours. He then praises the songwriters who wrote for AI alums. You hear that Kelly? Clive know who makes hit records, not you. I’m Clive Davis, bitch.
- Carrie Underwood receives a plaque for 6 million album sales. Clive approves. Jeff Foxworthy and Jerry Springer approve. Now I see why the recording industry is in a slump.
- An "Idols Give Back" reprise with the African Children’s Choir. Clive claps, wonders if they can outsell Taylor Hicks. Hopefully, Josh Groban isn't watching, lest he has painful flashbacks of being overshadowed by the Choir on "Idols Give Back."

- They just compared Sanjaya to the following in a montage: John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr. and Gandhi.
- Sanjaya performs with Joe Perry on the Kink’s “You Really Got Me.” Sanjaya, Joe Perry, the crying girl, Big Bird woman, this has officially slipped into surrealism.
- Do we really need Sanjaya on a reality show, Fremantle? Really?
- Here’s the rumored Green Day performance. They do a terribly dour version of “Working Class Hero” for African charities, complete with messages and sad pictures in the background. It’s very Nickelback.

- Hey, Taylor can play harmonica too. Take that, Daughtry!

- Don’t forget about Ruben Studdard too! He duets with Jordin on “You’re All I Need to Get By.” They have no awareness of each other's existence. They don’t even look at each other.

- Brad Garrett in a shamelessly awkward Fox plug, sits in with the judges as Bette Midler walk out. Gah! “Wind Beneath My Wing!” It hasn’t been long enough.
- Paula’s not even faking sobriety. In an era of Lindsay Lohan's waffling, that’s kind of refreshing.

- Aw, Jerry Springer is moved to tears. Most touching Idols ever.

- For next fall, FOX just tossed out a bunch of generic location names and built shows around them.

- Dear God. Idols past and present are going to do a version of every song on Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Heart's Club Band.

- Kelly sings "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" with Joe Perry and this is the smartest song choice of the night. Kelly is predictably awesome.

- Taylor sings "A Day In the Life." This is predictably, hilariously hideous.

- Carrie sings "She's Leaving Home." She's still "pitchy." And Tony Romo is one lucky man. Damn, she's skirting FCC regulations.

- Ruben sings "Lucy In the Sky With Diamond?!" I really need an LSD hit right now.

- The rest of this season's losers pop up for a Sgt. Peppers medley. I never thought it was possible, but this comes pretty close to equaling the Bee Gees "Sgt. Peppers" movie for train wreck potential.

- Extended "Transformers" commercial. Do I dare get excited for a Michael Bay movie?

- How many families must bad cell phone reception tear apart before we learn our lesson?! OK, I'll stop commenting on commercials. This show's officially gone long.

- Finally, result time. Some guy in a suit hands Ryan the envelope, just so you know its more legit than the NBA lottery.

- Randy calls it for Jordin. Paula refuses to be interrupted in her "both are winners" speech. Simon calls it for Jordin.

- Ooh, the lights are dimmed. And the winner is... Jordin Sparks!

- Jordin's hyperventilating. Ryan reminds us that AI is coming back in January. Great...

- Jordin tries to sing through her tears. She doesn't sound good, but it is touching. Her mom is also crying. Paula's crying. She's coming down. There's pyrotechnics, confetti and a group hug. And cut. Say hello to Radio Disney, Jordin.

- Alright, time to watch the end of Lost. Until next year, peace.

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Yet Another American Idol Live-Blog (Tuesday)

I didn't want to do a live blog because everyone does it. Except it's easy, takes minimal thought and it's instantaneous. No wonder everyone does it. So without further ado...

- “100,000 has been whittled down to two,” Ryan ominously says at the beginning. Hmm, did I missed the “300”-themed night on AI.
- Why is Randy wearing Forest Whitaker’s costume from “The Last King of Scotland?”
- “Did they fix your nose,” Ryan asks Paula. Awkward silence Ryan keeps asking about the nose. Paula for once, doesn’t want to talk. And, did Ryan just call Paula's dog a "bitch?!"

- Portland gets Greg Oden, Seattle gets Kevin Durant, both Idols finalist are from the Seattle audition and now the songwriting winner is from Seattle. Further proof that David Stern hates the city of Boston.
- No matter what the outcome, Blake can be thankful for a less homosexual haircut..
- Blake starts with his “controversial” rendition of “You Give Love A Bad Name,” now with more beatbox scractches! Somewhere, Bon Jovi weeps through his bangs. Somewhere, the casting director of the "Police Academy" remake (note: it’s actually in pre-production) found his Sgt. Jones.
- Broken nose and blocked windpipe relegates Paula to ramble “10+, 10+, 10+” Seriously, did Idol producers plant that dog for the finale?
- Simon neatly sums up Blake’s appeal; he can’t sing, but he’s also the best performer of the bunch.
- Hey, I just realized Jordin’s dad played for the New York Giants.
- Jordin sings “Fighter,” which is a terrible choice for her. She doesn’t have the personality or voice to fill the song. Wow, that rendition was flat.
- Randy loves it? Paula wheezes out some niceties Simon correctly calls out Jordin for a terrible song choice and flat rendition.

- We now know Blake’s dad is the man to blame for making beat-box inexplicably cool again when he bought Blake a drum set.
- Blake tries a different Maroon 5 song with “She Will Be Loved.” Why is he trying to sing? If this turns into a quote, unquote "singing competition," Blake's at a disadvantage. He should stick to what got him here, goofy beatboxing and white boy charm.

- Jordin does Martina McBride’s “Broken Wing” and nails it. She can sing big songs that doesn’t require her to fill in with her personality. These type of songs are perfect for her.
- I think they’re cutting off Paula’s mic halfway through her comments.
- Blake must wonder why the songwriting winner is a torch ballad. It’s the one song he can’t sing and it’s the one song Jordin can do well on.
- Blake can’t sing. The judges know it, the audience knows it and by now, Blake knows it. He’s struggling to finish the song, stumbling around the stage haphazardly.
- Randy’s diplomatic. I have no idea what Paula said. Simon is also diplomatic, calling the performance odd and asking the voters to disregard it. If you’re performance garners pity from Simon, you know it’s no good.
- Predictably, Jordin does much better with this song. Just OK, not great, but it’s more than enough compared to Blake.
- Aww, tears. Randy calls Jordin’s performance “fire,” officially retiring that phrase from the hip-hop lexicon.
- “It is a singing competition,” I waited all night for that catchphrase, but it's not a good sign for Blake if this turns into a singing competition. Simon’s right though, Jordin waxed Blake in this competition. Melinda would’ve waxed the floor with both of them though. Damn, I've got to move on.
- Chris Daughtry, who’s debut album outsold the combine total of the four contestants who finished above him last year, reminds everyone that a vote for the Idol's winner is truly meaningless.
- On the Lot starts immediately after AI, so viewers can roll into it. 50 contestants from 33 countries come to Los Angeles to see the plane crash set from “War of the World?” Oh yeah, Spielberg’s an executive producer.
- Maybe I’ll watch this show too. I liked Project Greenlight and, dear Lord, is Chelsea Handler hosting the show? Fuck it, I’m going to Del Taco. Until tomorrow’s result show, good night.

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Revenge Of The Nerds

I can't think of a more geekier or apt name than "math rock." There's nothing like music created with all the ideas, intricacies and warmth of sequential integers. Like mathletes tend to be in high school, post-rock scenes can be alternately charming, insular and impossible to really get. The 4/4 meters that most rock music is built on doesn't excite them. What matters is the number of probabilities in combining different meters, polyrhythms, timbres and what-not. It's all very technical, and that's kind of the point. So it's safe to say that most people do not have a real urge to check out math rock, and that makes the huge amount of mainstream press and acclaim for Battles surprising.

They're sort of a math-rock super group, with guitarist Ian Williams from Don Caballero, former Lynx guitarist Dave Konopka, the drummer from Helmet and the son of avant-garde jazz musician Tyondai Braxton. You'd think the four of them would produce an impenetrable monolith of geek rock that furthers whatever headspace they traveled to in their previous projects. But when the New York Times does a write-up on their show at the Bowery Ballroom, it's a tip-off that Battles is digestible enough for the New York Times-reading audience. It's easier for casual listeners to get into Battles because they want to rawk just as much as they want to remain virtuoistic. I guess Mirrored is like the Kind of Blue of math rock, the one album anyone can own from that genre to show that they listen to that stuff.

There is no better Battles song tha "Atlas," their anthem and calling card. It sits on a heavy, insistent guitar riff that just chugs along with battering rams of power chords and a slightly funky rhythm section that changes pace abruptly. "Atlas" is just accessible enough starting to pop up on DJ's playlist, and that's previously unheard of for any song labeled math rock. When "Ddiamondd" devolves into a sludge of power chords, you can picture a young Williams and Konopka learning from Jimmy Page riffs and not from whatever music theory books they might've read. But unlike Lightning Bolt, Battles inject a healthy dose of goofiness. The vocals are like a drunken parody of Animal Collective, a bunch of gibberish that borders on cartoonish laughter. And the band skitters all over the place, building several crescendos, skirting glam rock and funk rhythms and even extolling the primal virtues of good ol' fashioned 4/4 rock and roll. It's not like Battles finally struck the winning blow for the mathematical possibilities of music. It's the other way around. They embraced the kick-ass goodness of rock.

Download: Battles "Atlas"

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Justice Wants To Be Your Friends

I don’t know why I waited to hear their respective full-length debut before I wrote about Justice. It’s not like releasing an actual album validates their career or anything. It's pretty impossible to go out to a club and not hear "D.A.N.C.E." or some offshoot of that song. A bunch of Justice singles and remixes have been floating around for a year, including six of the 12 songs on the ridiculously-titled † (yep, a cross symbol pronounced "cross"). And Justice averages about 2-3 blog write-ups a day. Whether or not you know the band, you've probably heard "We Are Your Friends" and the refrain "We! Are! Your Friends! You'll! Never be alone again!" at some place or another. I read a couple of DJs state that it's pretty mandatory to play that song at a gig, whether they want to or not. And you might've heard of Kanye West bumrushing the stage at last year's MTV Europe VMAs after he lost Best Video to "We Are Your Friends," giving Justice something in common with Gretchen Wilson. But one of the consequences of being overly familiar is by the time your career officially kicks off with an actual album, it already feels like a greatest hits collection.

Justice and their labelmates at Ed Banger Records (founded by Pedro Winter of Justice) have been at the forefront of a sub-genre with a ludicrously smarmy name, "blog house," the connotation being that it's dance music made by and for people who sit in front of their computers for hours. That's not entirely true, some of the most fun nights I've had were at blog-sponsored events. At the same time, Justice wouldn't have anywhere close to the amount of buzz without the people who sit in front of their computers for hours downloading new potential club bangers that sound cool because some French blog posted it with pics of hot dancing girls wearing horned-rimmed glasses. There's definitely a groupthink mentality among the blogs, and a lot of DJs get songs from the same places. Out here in LA, almost every night sounds the same, whether it's a Steve Aoki event or some random house party I went to last Saturday. Because it's so easy to obtain tracks, almost anyone can theoretically DJ. Justice simply did a great job using this environment to their full advantage, they have a basic, people-friendly quality. It's like 1997, when dance music like Fat Boy Slim and Chemical Brothers were cool because it kinda sounded like rock music. Even KROQ squeezed them into their playlist. Justice is kinda like that, except on acid.

I heard several comparisons between Justice and LCD Soundsystem, but that's about as lazy as you can get. They're both dance-oriented acts who aren't shy about guitar riffs, but that's about it. If LCD Soundsystem is the Pink Floyd of dance music, then Justice aspires to be nothing more than Black Sabbath. But that's not a bad thing. Songs like "Water of Nazareth," "Phantom," "Let There Be Light" are simple Daft Punk-type songs buried under heavy layers of crunching power chords. They're big, dumb and awesome in it's elemental likeability, and there isn't a whole lot more to say about them. There' s not a whole lot of depth or musical complexity, although they do have a acute sense of shifting tempos and tones before things get too repetitive. A lot of the album tracks that didn't leak stay away from the power chords, but they sould like New-Age fillers. "Valentine" is about as boring as a song can be. "The Party" on the other hand is both boring and annoying; why Ed Banger still force "rapper" Uffie down our throat is beyond my reasoning capabilities.

The one non-headbanger that is up to snuff is of course, "D.A.N.C.E.," a hyper old-skool disco track with a cut-and-paste vocal sample. It's easy to see why it's such a popular dance track, it's catchy as hell and the disco violins are easy to pretty much any ears. I never thought it was a great dance song, it's all build-up and little pay-off, but it's brutally effective as one of those catchy, egalitarian songs that gets everyone involved on the dance floor. It's been played for months now, and it's the official single for †. Which is fine, except I heard "D.A.N.C.E." a gazillion times now.

Download: Justice "D.A.N.C.E."

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You So Crazy

The “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned” song has been around since well, since woman started playing music, and 2007 for some reason has seen a bunch of singles about that subject. Beyonce was #1 for months with "Irreplaceable," Kelly Clarkson went to war with Clive Davis for the right to release "Never Again" and My December in all it's bitch-tastic glory (you can read about "Never Again" here) and Avril Lavigne had a #1 hit with "Girlfriend," a grotesque bubblegum pop song overstuffed with faux punk attitude but undermined by her attempt at topping Ashlee Simpson. But it's country music that has an enviable claim on woman's revenge fantasies. It's a genre where Loretta Lynn can threatened to beat another woman up and call the song "Fist City," so it's kind of disappointing that the best they can give us right now is Carrie Underwood's toothless "Before He Cheats." That's probably why critics have tripped over themselves to praise Miranda Lambert. Her latest album, tactfully titled Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, is like the American Psycho of country music. While Underwood gets back at her no-good man by carving her name in the leather seat of his truck and puncturing his tires, Lambert drives cross country with a shotgun, drinks a six-pack and wait at his home to shoot him in the stomach.

Country produced another graphic revenge-killing song this year, Martina McBride's "Independence Day." But that song had a pall of regret and treated the killing as an inevitable tragedy. On "Gunpowder and Lead," Lambert treats killing like a trip to the hair salon. It's not just getting back at a bad boyfriend, it's a chance at liberating herself and asserting herself, in the most extreme way possible. A lot of artists use murder as the most extreme way to express both pain and desire. Johnny Cash has an entire back catalogue of murder songs and so does um, Slayer. It takes a huge personality and confidence to pull this off without being actually creepy, and Lambert has both. If "Gunpowder and Lead" is joyous, the title track is a downright celebration. Lambert goes to a bar packing a pistol and not only dares the other woman to start a fight, dismissing her with a pithy "little bitch," she wants her to. "I'm a crazy ex-girlfriend," Lambert sneers, and anything is possible for her with those lines.

It's surprising that Lambert resides so comfortably in mainstream Nashville, although on the surface, she's literally casted for the role of country starlet. She got her start on the reality show Nashville Stars and rode her model-looks and powerful voice to a third-place finish. Afterward, Lambert found her niche and released one of country's best single two years ago, "Kerosene," a rambling rocker about um, burning down your boyfriend's house. Obviously encouraged by that hit, she turned everything up to an 11 on her sophomore album. As much as Nashville can scrub individuality away to make everyone as dull and conforming as possible, they're frighteningly efficient in crafting spotless pop hits. I don't know how, but Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is immaculately produced, every track is polished and smoothed over. But it's not airless, Lambert works best in rock arrangements and the instrumentals are loud and loose enough for her to snarl through the songs with maximum power.

They're only two songs about um, taking another human being's life, but the absolute defiance of those numbers pervade the entire album. On the second half of the album, Lambert gets retrospective about why she feels so vindictive. It's kind of like the last season of The Sopranos, and how Tony Soprano regrets some parts of his life but not realling wanting to change. On "Desperation," Lambert lets out her emotional suffering and "More Like Her" wishes she had more self-control like the other woman. Lambert regrets the reasons she had to do what she had to do, but she never regrets the actions themselves. Toward the end, Lambert's OK with being an emotional wreck because the songs are exuberant and Lambert's radiant. Even the last song, a cover of the Carlene Carter ballad "Easy From Now On," is OK with living with a broken heart. Lambert's actually looking forward to the future. It's an awesome way to end the procession and after the first listen, I had an urge to punch some guy in the face because he probably did something to deserve it.

Download: Miranda Lambert "Gunpowder and Lead"

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How I Stopped Worrying and Learned to Love Feist

I give up. I tried not liking Feist’s new album, but it’s damn near impossible. There’s no good reason why I turned my back to it, except Nick Harcourt played “My Moon My Man” every day for the past two months and every hipster magazine and blog seemed to have fallen over themselves getting a blurb in on her somehow. Her previous album, Open Season was pleasant enough, but the genre exercises were forced and all over the place. There really wasn’t anything on it to make me think Feist’s follow-up would be noteworthy. When Feist started popping up all over Hype Machine, I resisted reading a single blog mention because the sheer number of posts suggested the next overblown internet thing.

But then my friend Abigail was insistent on playing “My Moon My Man” repeatedly, the song slowly crept into my head and now I’m the proud owner of her new album, The Reminder. And damn if I haven’t listened to it at least twice a day for the past week. Damn if I’m not listening to it right now, or if I don’t put it on repeat right after it ends. The Reminder just takes up space in your life as a versatile soundtrack for most moments. It’s quiet and modest enough to be a bedroom album for solitary days, or when your significant other is over, or when you’re trying to get over that person. But it’s just ambitious enough to want your attention, and considering all the similar albums that dully occupy space in Starbucks and Harcourt’s playlist, that’s not the easiest thing to do.

A lot of the whole effortless feel of the album is from the production, which awash everything in an echoey room-tone. It sounds like Feist recorded the entire album in her bedroom. If the whole thing seems contrived, well so be it. Her voice, scratchy, slightly nasally but very warm, adds to the whole intimate effect. It’s the first thing you hear, when she intones “I’m sorry,” and the breezy opening number, “So Sorry” instantly cozies up to you. “I Feel It All” is the big anthem, except the warm tones and Feist’s voice again reduces whatever pretensions it has into a very inviting pop song. And that’s followed up by “My Moon My Man.” By then, the album’s pretty much got you hooked in its effortless charm. The best way to sum up The Reminder is in Feist’s music videos, especially “1234,” which is currently my favorite YouTube clip. It probably didn’t cost more than $500 and I’m not taking into account her weird purple pantsuit. But the one-take shot and the choreography are painstaking and the result is spectacular. It took a lot of effort to make something look really modest and cool. Same with The Reminder. It sounds like it was recorded on the cheap in one afternoon. But the finished product reveals a lot more craft.

I will also admit to not listening to the entire album all the time. The Reminder tends to lose momentum when the song can’t support its modest trapping, like on “The Water.” There’s one genre exercise, a tribal choir backing her rendition of the playground song “Sea Lion Woman,” that’s way too weird, way too slight and way too Rhythm of the Saints Paul Simon to justify itself. But for an album that I initially dismissed as hipster-lite, there are no moments where I really got bored. Feist’s voice just envelopes you, and when the ballad is done right, like on “The Limit to Your Love,” she absolutely shimmers. And even though I decided I liked the album after the first three song, it’s after that one and “1234” where I felt possessed to repeat the album again and write about it. This might be the umpteenth blog to write about Feist and I’m sure there’s a chance you’re sick of reading about her. And if you avoided her until now and ignored the album’s charm, then you’re a better man than I.

Download: Feist "I Feel It All"

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Since U Been Gone...

So Sanjaya finally got kicked off American Idol, and though it was inevitable, I couldn’t help but feel a little sad. No, he couldn’t sing, and no contestant benefited so much from the “vote for the worst contestant" ideology. But he was also the only contestant who was remotely memorable. I haven’t watched AI regularly this year, it's been pretty boring. But when I do tune in, I usually say to myself, “I hope I didn’t miss Sanjaya.” The anticipation of the haircut, his strained but earnest singing and a withering Simon Cowell comment, that’s pretty much the only thing I looked forward to. Now that he’s gone, there’s no one else that really screams “must watch.” Melinda Doolittle’s the best singer, but I can't see her as a popular one. I don't think anyone this season is capable of anything more than a minor single that peakes at #54 on the Billboard chart or something like that.

That could be the ultimate failure of the current season of AI because the show has proven to be, in addition to be the ratings and advertising dollar monster, a powerful launching pad for major acts. Even Daughtry last season had star power even though he tried to retain rock cred, AI voters and like Fuel at the same time. Way back in the first season, when Kelly Clarkson and Justin Guarini stood on stage as the final two, no one would’ve thought either of them would sell more than a few thousand copies of a single and album riding the coat tail. They were amateurs who appeared on a TV show, not real musicians. And that was before a flop as terrible as “From Justin to Kelly.”

But lo and behold, Clarkson actually stuck around. She managed the tricky task of both maximizing her AI popularity while avoiding the dreaded “reality product” tag with a formula other AI grads used to launch their careers, produce monster singles. I didn’t think Clarkson had a lot of staying power, she was dull for a pop star and “A Moment Like This” was terrible. But she could sing, and as we later found out, she had a good ear for songs. I’ll admit I didn’t give Breakaway a fair listen at first. But damn if I haven’t sung along to “Since U Been Gone,” “Behind These Hazel Eyes” or any of the other songs in my car or a karaoke bar. They pulled off an act I thought was impossible; updated 80’s arena rock and made it relevant for today. In 2004 and 2005, Clarkson truly was the greatest singles artist on Earth

So one can only guess the palpable excitement I and a few others felt when her new single “Never Again” leaked. And it sounds like the quintessential sophomore-album song, indulgent and self-centered. I don’t know why so many pop artists feel like they have to produce the personal statement when afforded the chance, cuz a lot of them aren’t capable of it. I don’t know anyone who’ll get excited by the opening lyric, “I hope the ring you gave to her turns her finger green.” Even for a breakup song, that’s grade-school terrible. The big chorus, it’s just a long string of accusatory rants, except set to pop-metal guitars and a semi-catchy chorus. What’s really disappointing is that “Never Again” sticks to the exact same musical formula as all her other singles, and that just invites natural comparisons to those songs. She just crams as much angry poetry as she can into the same type of song. “Never Again” sounds like a messier, less coherent “Since U Been Gone” because that’s exactly what it is.

I read on some British music blog, I think it was Stylus, that Europeans produce better pop music because they’re not afraid of it’s inherent cheesiness while Americans feel like they have to be taken seriously eventually. Then the writer threw out Kylie Minogue, who was comfortable with “Lo-co-motion” and a career of nothing but modest pop singles until she honed her craft into “Can’t Get You Out of My Head.” Meanwhile, Madonna stuck burning crosses into a video and just descended from their into “Evita” and what-not. Only when she re-embraced club culture (softly) with Ray of Light, then Music did her career see an uptick before she actually moved to London and adopted a fake accent. But Christina Aguilera made her big I'm-an-artist-so-I-can-release-a-double-album statement, Rihanna’s upcoming album is supposedly more mature and loaded with mid-tempo songs and it looks like Clarkson is attempting her serious artistic statement. It’s not like pop singers should never try, but “Never Again” just isn’t good enough. It’s too focused on being a cathartic release and not focused enough on being a good song. It's just one song though, hopefully she didn't forget to drop in some quality pop anthems in her upcoming album. But that album's title, My December, sounds an awful lot like a journal entry.

Download: Kelly Clarkson "Never Again"

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Disco Dance With You

I’m going to jump on a bandwagon that will surely be massive soon and state the following: Kathy Diamond’s Miss Diamond to You is awesome. It’s one of those dance records for people who don’t like dance music even though the production and beats are good enough for an all-out disco party. The album essentially crams 30 years worth of disco and house beats into each bass line and guitar riff, then smooths everything over into cool, detached lounge songs . But you can feel every bass note, synth , percussive hit, hand clap and guitar riff; the bottom literally drops out of every one so it hits you in the chest. It’s an album that’ll work with both the Morning Becomes Eclectic Sia-loving dullards, geeks who obsess over crates of 7” disco and house vinyls for 30-second breakbeats and club kids who get crazy anytime Daft Punk comes on the speakers. It’ll work for lazy summer afternoons, except you will probably dance a couple of songs and ruin your nap.

Diamond, who's actually from Sheffield and can only be seen in one mysterious promo photo, has a pretty flat voice. There’s absolutely no warmth to it. But she’s capable of slinking around each rhythm section and bass line, staying out of the way while effectively using it as effective framing devices. Diamond is less the star than another effective part of the ambience. The album was produced by Maurice Fulton, the noted Baltimore house producer who’s one-half of Mu, the artsy-electro act who tries to add as many purposely annoying sounds into smug, fragmented pop songs. But his main objective with Diamond is to make the listeners feel like they're at Paradise Garage without actually going through the trouble of taking them there. There are no real club bangers, Diamond and Fulton aren’t interested in it. They’re more interested in chilling at the club, not dancing there.

Most people will compare this album to Sally Shapiro, another Euro electro chartreuse who totally deconstructed dance beats and then rebuilt it into a smooth pop record. And there's a lot of similarities to Lisa Stansfield, who had a couple of hits way back (as in 1990) with Euro-fied R&B songs. But I can’t help but compare Diamond to, of all songs, Maroon 5’s “Makes Me Wonder” because that's the song I hear the most on radio now. It’s not a fair comparison, Maroon 5 can’t come anywhere close to Fulton’s knowledge of, or making dance music. But they both try to co-op disco and funk into a smoother, shinier product. I’m not going to lie, I actually thought “Makes Me Wonder” was halfway decent when I first heard it. The song does swing a little, and the more denser and faster instrumentation masks whatever annoying quirks Adam Levine has. I always thought Levine works best in moderation, his fey falsetto can work to accentuate a song here or there. But three or four minutes of Levine is awfully cloying. But “Makes Me Wonder,” like Miss Diamond to You, just use the vocals as a frame to hang the beats on. And Levine’s better served that way.

But “Makes Me Wonder” got old for me fast because ultimately, it’s pretty boring. Where “Makes Me Wonder” differs from Diamond is how it approaches dance music itself. “Makes Me Wonder” makes sure the bass doesn’t drop too low, and it’s mixed in pretty tightly with some nondescript synth notes to defang it. It’s like whoever mixed that song is afraid of sounding too disco. They wanted the sound without actually sounding like it. So even though it kinda bounces a little, there's not enough actual energy to make it exciting. Miss Diamond to You, on the other hand, embraces disco and dance music and all that is good about it. It also wants to be boring in its own way, but the album also wants you to feel like dancing at some point. Again, it’s really not fair to compare Maroon 5 with Diamond and I don’t know what I accomplished with the comparison. And I should mention that Miss Diamond to You is only a $30 import right now and there's a good chance it'll never come to the States. But whatever, it's easily been the most enjoyable record I've heard this past week so I'll recommend it anyway.

Download: Kathy Diamond "Over"
Download: Maroon 5 "Makes Me Wonder"

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